It was a fourth year Counselling class that enticed us into meeting. A 3 hour Friday afternoon class in the aches and groans of winter, around this time of year actually. There were no connecting busses running from our small University to get me townhouse and in need of a carpool home. You were quite excited to drop me off on your way home, and our conversation was easy, just like it always is in the fairy tales. It was so easy in fact, that we got carried away in it and missed a few turns. As the weeks went on, it wasn't hard to fall in love with you. You were far from being my soul mate, we are opposites in all sorts of ways, and not in the "oh that's so cute, you complete each other" kind of way. The kind of way that we have to be creative and sacrificial sometimes in order to make dates that will be fun for each of us. The kind of way that we've had to both learn that the best and deepest kind of joy actually does come from laying yourself down for the other. Dan, you've done that for me. Right from the start. You wooed me with your lack of a mental map that seems to get you lost in the most familiar places. You wooed me with your hilarious and might I say "dorky" but adorable song "gobble girl". You wooed me with your interpretive dancing, your wardrobe that you'd had since grade 10, and your ability to make me feel like the whole world is always at my finger tips and my dreams really can become realities.
Our "honeymoon phase" ended before we even got to go on a honeymoon, and while we saw the worst parts of the other, you had more grace and selfless enduring love than I could explain. The fairy tale ended but what we exchanged for it in return was way better. Truth. Raw, real truth. You love me honestly, you love me always in the best way you know how, even when I'm really difficult to be around because I can be selfish and grumpy and very very hangry. As days and weeks and months together have turned into years, the ups and the downs, the natural rhythms of life ebb and flow, pulling us apart, and pushing us back together. I've been learning Dan, that the more I love you, the more I love you. The more real and raw that we've been enticed to be, through marriage, through moving, through starting and ending a PhD, through having a child, through loving a lovely child, the less this looks like a fairytale, and the more it looks so much more amazing. I'd chose real over fairy tale any day. One of my favourite things we started doing after we got married, was asking each other every once in awhile, "Do you want to marry me tomorrow? " or simply phrased, "lets get married again tomorrow". It reminds me again and again, that this is a choice. I mean it's not, we've made a covenant, and we are blessed to be married every moment of every day until the day we die. But, I love that each morning, you choose to be married to me, to be married well, to not just drift along, or drift apart. "Today is about the promise of the future and all the great moments of the past, and, indeed this beautiful present where you stand together, surrounded by people who love you and who are praying that your marriage is one of the great ones. It could be you, you know, if you work hard and forgive often and get over yourself and your selfishness over and over again. It could be one of the stories people tell, when they want to believe in love's power and life's richness. It could be one that your children and grandchildren tell each other, praying that someday they'll have a love like yours." Shauna Niequist.
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So much happens in the world of a family when a new baby is welcomed in. I'm so thankful for Dan's participation and willingness to be interviewed, and open us all up a little bit more to his world during this process! And now I hand things over to Dan: Before diving in I want to say a quick thank you to you, Mel’s readers. For those that know Mel, you know that she is quite the chatty Cathy, and we love her for it. There was a joke in Mel’s family when she was growing up that she talked in her sleep (which she did) because there wasn’t enough time in the day for her to get out everything she had to say. Well that’s kind of how I feel about this blog for her. Because you guys listen to what she says in this blog, I believe I get a few more minutes of quiet around the house. And for that I thank you Here’s my responses to some questions Mel gave me: Q: How did you feel you found out I was pregnant? A: The worst. Let me explain. Mel wanted a baby much before I did. But over time and with a number of talks I warmed up a bit to the possibility. I didn’t feel 100% ready for a baby but I also knew that I’m one of those anxious perfectionist types that never quite feels 100% ready for anything – I can always be a bit more prepared! I also knew that it took many couples months and even years to get pregnant, so I thought that if we started trying now the odds were I’d still have some buffer time to prepare myself. Oh how far from the truth that was! One day I told Mel that I was feeling “ready enough”, and literally a few months later we found out she was pregnant! I vividly remember talking to her before she was going to take a pregnancy test. She was giddy and excited, but I was totally calm and tried to calm her down. “Mel we’ve only been trying for a few months! The chances are really low that you’re pregnant right now.” I didn’t want her to be too disappointed when she found out she wasn’t pregnant. Oh how wrong I was! She came running back into the room and showed me the proof. In the moment I couldn’t help but be shocked and excited, but as the minutes passed the terrifying reality set in. You’re a father Dan! Anyway, those first two days after finding out were the hardest. I won’t dig too deep into my psyche, but suffice to say insecurities about myself and what sort of life we could provide for our child plagued me. And to be honest I still have insecurities about what sort of dad I’ll be for Theodore. But it has definitely improved since those first two days. I’ve realized that all first-time fathers are just figuring it out as they go – that made me feel a little better. Q: Was the birth what you expected? A: I don’t think I really knew what to expect. So many different things could happen, so I just thought to myself that whatever happens happens. I will say though that it took a while for the oxytocin to work its magic and start contractions. So for what seemed like a long time we were just walking around an empty hospital having fun and taking selfies. It was totally chill and light-hearted. I wasn’t expecting to have time like that. Q: How did your views of me change through birth and the first few days? A: Honestly they didn’t. Maybe that sounds like a disappointing answer at first. But I knew that Mel was made to be a mother. She had dreamed about motherhood, pregnancy, babies, and child-rearing since she was a baby herself! She is an incredibly tough cookie too. So I knew that she’d be able to handle whatever was thrown at her during delivery or afterwards. I also knew how much research she did about all this stuff. I swear you had to twist her arm to work in university, but simply mention babies and she’ll be googling until the cows come home. So ya, I had full confidence in her the whole time. Q: Is there anything that surprised you about your new life? A: I’ve gotta say one of the biggest sources of anxiety for me leading up to Theodore’s birth was sleep deprivation. I need sleep! Neeeeeeed it! Like I’m one of those 8 hours of sleep per night MINIMUM type of people. So the thought of staying up late, waking up through the night, and waking up early sounded dreadful. Not just a matter of a little inconvenience but a matter of well-being to me (and those around me). But you know what, it turned out not to be so bad! Not sure if it was a miracle or adrenaline (same thing?) but I totally managed getting less sleep. I do have to say though that Mel probably took a greater share of waking up through the night than I did – so props to her for that. Q: How did our marriage change? A: I wouldn’t say our marriage changed as much as the circumstances of our marriage changed. Theodore has presented us with a bunch of new opportunities and challenges that we’ve had to respond to. And it totally has not all been easy. Probably hardest of all has been figuring out who get’s to have personal time (i.e. away from Theodore) when and who needs to take care of Theodore when. It’s kind of discouraging when you realize your baby ALWAYS needs supervising – and one or both of you needs to do it (except when babysitters bail you out – props). So that’s been a process needing much communication. But like all challenges that are dealt with positively I believe all this has simply helped Mel and I grow closer and become more mature (I know it’s been a maturing process for me at least). Q: What’s your favorite thing about being a dad? A: The feeling of superiority over someone it gives me. Just kidding. I’ve got to say it’s the 1003 little charming and hilarious things Theodore does on a daily basis. He truly is a joy to be around (not always, but much of the time!). The blinks, the babbling, the clapping – I love that stuff. Q: Any advice to new dads and new parents?
A: Nope! In many ways I feel like parenthood is a journey everyone has to kind of take for themselves. That’s not to say taking classes, reading books, or talking with friends are useless. All those things are great. But at the end of the day each birth, baby, and couple is unique. You just have to pull up your bootstraps and deal with whatever comes your way! I knew so little about how to parent or take care of a baby – not sure if I had ever changed a diaper before – but I just figured it out. So if I can do it so can any other person. Once again though, I will give props to Mel. She knew so much and researched so much that she made me feel more confident about the whole process haha. Tell me if this has happened to you before. You're putting laundry away, and realize that as you open your drawers and hang things on hangers, that you're looking at clothes you don't wear very often. You pause, pulling out a shirt you remember wearing 3 years ago, but not since. You think to yourself "I should get rid of this, I never wear it. Nah, I might want to sometime, and then I won't have it." I'm not kidding, I had a pink TNA zip-up hoodie, that I almost never wore, because I just don't love the colour pink, but I couldn't get rid of it because it was brand name. I liked simply having it, because it was a name that others would recognize and associate with expensive. Even though I didn't even like it!
It seems impossible to get rid of this stuff, because stuff in our society has become a measurement of worth, of power, of influence. In some cultures, it's not even enough any more if we have MORE stuff, but we've also added our own value system to certain names and brands of stuff, in order to make our personal worth seem more measurable. So this morning, as I cleaned my room, and I looked at clothes I don't even wear, I felt this crazy urge to purge. Do you ever get that urge to purge? After I made a pile and moved the pile into a box that I call my "pass along box", I realized Theodore was magically still asleep, so I opened the book I've been reading lately by Henri Nouwen, and came across this quote: "Training for service is not a training to become rich but to become voluntarily poor; not to fulfill ourselves but to empty ourselves; not to conquer God but to surrender to his saving power. All this is very hard to accept in our contemporary world, which tells us about the importance of power and influence. But it is important that in this world there remain a few voices crying out that if there is anything to boast of, we should boast of our weakness." Now you might be wondering what on earth this has to do with hospitality. Whether I admit it or not, the more value I put on my things, the more I live with my hands closed into fists. Ironically, the less I have, the more I want to share and alternatively the more I have, and the nicer I have, the more I want to keep and protect my things. And now, as homeowners, I think about how to welcome the stranger here, how to welcome a growing little boy here and let him come into himself here. I think about how to put the most value on the people, the strangers, the family, the friends. How to keep my hands open and my heart full. The act of welcoming another soul into the fullness of home, has much more to do with the availability of our spirits than the currency of our home decor, or the brand of clothing we are wearing. Duh. Really though. In his book, Henri Nouwen explains that "Poverty is the inner disposition that allows us to take away our defences and convert our enemies into friends. We can only perceive the stranger as an enemy as long as we have something to defend. But when we say, "Please enter- my house is your house, my joy is your joy, my sadness is your sadness and my life is your life," we have nothing to defend, since we have nothing to lose but all to give." I think he's saying here, that when we see ourselves for who we really are, which is humans, equally impacted by the human condition, equally loved in the eyes of God, and equally in need of community and hospitable love, it is that which finally opens us up for real connection with others. When we invite others to share in that space, truly putting aside our attempts to impress with our stuff, and the many ways we use material items to assert power and influence, it finally becomes a safe space, free of prejudice, free of comparison, free of jealousy. As I finish packing up my "pass along box", I want my soul to reflect this new space I've found in my closet. I want to become a woman who has open hands. 6 days after Theodore was born, I went on my first outing with friends. The April weather was drizzly, and we had to walk quickly to our destination to avoid the rain. We ordered our latte's and sat down at the window seat, looking out at the beautiful Bayfront. As soon as we were sitting I asked Sarah, Hannah and Katie excitedly, “Tell me EVERYTHING! What’s new in your lives?!” I felt like it had been years since I'd seen them, even though 2 of them were at the hospital only 6 days earlier. As they started telling me their updates, I realized I had no idea how I would describe my new life. Absolutely everything was different. Everything. Where would I possibly begin?
My concept of food had changed as breastfeeding in the early days made me ravenous, and my hunger somehow insatiable (Actually come to think of it I still feel that way, ha, what can I say, I'm a girl who loves her food!). For the first time in my life I’d started packing a lunch box before bed to eat through the night during Theodore's feedings. It didn’t help that one of my shows of choice to watch during night feeds was MasterChef. I can’t describe the disappointment I’d felt to pull out my pb and j sandwich and ziplock container of carrots to munch on while watching the Chefs whip up multi-course FEASTS with ease. Midnight favourites included bran muffins (brought to me by Courtney Switzer), an baked peach oatmeal (brought by Deanna Harris), and fresh cut up veggies prepared by Dan. We were so blessed by friends who brought brought meals, and in the early weeks, if we didn't have food, I would wander upstairs in my housecoat and Carmen our "landlord" who became more like an older sister and she would feed me whatever they had from their kitchen which is always full of tasty food which somehow nourished both my tummy and my soul. I thought Pregnancy taught me about the term "hangry", but no, pregnancy hunger has NOTHING on breastfeeding hunger. Poor Dan experienced the brunt of my Hanger the most. My concept of family was obviously different, and I suddenly understood why every mom I know posts so many photos of their children. As soon as my hours of labor were done, I was instantly obsessed with him and I know that I’d do everything I could in this world to ensure he ALWAYS knows how much he’s loved. Then I realized my parents feel the same about me, and felt a blanket of humility wash over me in the best way possible. As Dan and I got to know sweet Theo over the days, in the eerily quiet mornings, and the hustle and bustle of every day activities, we felt as though he was a part of our family puzzle that we didn't realize was missing. He wasn't just our baby, he was our Theodore. He was immediately irreplaceable. My concept of my body changed. A body I used to criticize and wish I could trade for another, has become a friend, and finally I can own that it is mine, without shame of it’s weird shapes, squiggles, and cellulite. At that coffee shop, they asked me how I was healing, they asked me what I felt like. I didn't know how to explain it. This body is not familiar, it’s soft, and gushy. Everything felt like it had fallen apart. My hips ached, my back was sore, and just so incredibly unfamiliar. My body works very hard, and it is tired. I have learned since then and become more in tune with it’s rhythms. It’s humanness. It is still soft and perfectly gushy. I've learned to listen to it when it tells me that it's time to be strong and it’s time to rest. It’s times to exercise and it’s times to rejuvenate. I’ve learned the discomforts and the beauty of housing another soul, another body with a heartbeat, another set of kicking legs within. I’ve learned the discomfort and the all consuming wonder and beauty of birth. I’ve learned the discomfort and the beauty of a now empty womb, and the discomfort and beauty of attachment through breastfeeding. And one day soon, I’ll experience the discomfort and beauty of my first born being weened, and my body once again being only mine. My concept of friendship has changed. My close friends have seen me more times than not, with yesterdays clothes, food in my hair, and unable to remember my last shower. They’ve been ok with trading in our cozy local coffee shops with aromas of dark roast coffee blends and options of sweet or savoury muffins, for simply hanging out at our house without all the extras. They’ve understood that when Dan and I invite them over for dinner, most of the time it means we’re eating leftovers, or have ordered in pizza. They’ve been gracious with me as I’ve been emotional, self-centred, and obsessed with my kid as I’ve transitioned to this crazy life. My concept of marriage has changed. Sacrifice. Dan is SUCH a giver. I don’t even know how to say it, he works so hard for our family and I’m So blessed. (* I’ll post a blog about that later, called “For Dan”, ** Also keep posted about a soon to come post which will be an interview with Dan about the challenges and excitements about being a new dad, and his role as a husband changing, if you’ve got questions you’d like him to answer, send them along ) If I were sitting down today, with Hannah, Katie, Sarah, and they asked me how life had changed since motherhood, I'd say, everything is different. And yet everything is the same. To my beautiful friends, if you one day have the joy of welcoming a new person into your life, who you will give so much love, and who takes every last piece of your attention, I hope that as your heart grows to make room for them, that you too feel joy in the familiar places. I hope that in a world where everything seems new and unfamiliar and daunting, that the aroma of coffee reminds you of who you've always been, and takes you back to our coffee dates both out and about and on our worn down couches. I hope the people who love you will spoil you with fresh baked oatmeal and bran muffins for when pooping in your unfamiliar body is scary. I hope you find yourself in the daily routines you used to do, before this new person took so much of your attention. I hope that you remember to journal and take photographs, and do things that remind you of when you were just you, because you are the only you to offer this world, and your little person. You are a wonderful you. I hope that someone will pack you a lunch box of hearty snacks to devour through the night. |
AuthorI'm a farm girl living in the city, a daughter, a sister, a wife and a mother. I love the simple things in life, and love to share them with others. Archives
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