6 days after Theodore was born, I went on my first outing with friends. The April weather was drizzly, and we had to walk quickly to our destination to avoid the rain. We ordered our latte's and sat down at the window seat, looking out at the beautiful Bayfront. As soon as we were sitting I asked Sarah, Hannah and Katie excitedly, “Tell me EVERYTHING! What’s new in your lives?!” I felt like it had been years since I'd seen them, even though 2 of them were at the hospital only 6 days earlier. As they started telling me their updates, I realized I had no idea how I would describe my new life. Absolutely everything was different. Everything. Where would I possibly begin?
My concept of food had changed as breastfeeding in the early days made me ravenous, and my hunger somehow insatiable (Actually come to think of it I still feel that way, ha, what can I say, I'm a girl who loves her food!). For the first time in my life I’d started packing a lunch box before bed to eat through the night during Theodore's feedings. It didn’t help that one of my shows of choice to watch during night feeds was MasterChef. I can’t describe the disappointment I’d felt to pull out my pb and j sandwich and ziplock container of carrots to munch on while watching the Chefs whip up multi-course FEASTS with ease. Midnight favourites included bran muffins (brought to me by Courtney Switzer), an baked peach oatmeal (brought by Deanna Harris), and fresh cut up veggies prepared by Dan. We were so blessed by friends who brought brought meals, and in the early weeks, if we didn't have food, I would wander upstairs in my housecoat and Carmen our "landlord" who became more like an older sister and she would feed me whatever they had from their kitchen which is always full of tasty food which somehow nourished both my tummy and my soul. I thought Pregnancy taught me about the term "hangry", but no, pregnancy hunger has NOTHING on breastfeeding hunger. Poor Dan experienced the brunt of my Hanger the most. My concept of family was obviously different, and I suddenly understood why every mom I know posts so many photos of their children. As soon as my hours of labor were done, I was instantly obsessed with him and I know that I’d do everything I could in this world to ensure he ALWAYS knows how much he’s loved. Then I realized my parents feel the same about me, and felt a blanket of humility wash over me in the best way possible. As Dan and I got to know sweet Theo over the days, in the eerily quiet mornings, and the hustle and bustle of every day activities, we felt as though he was a part of our family puzzle that we didn't realize was missing. He wasn't just our baby, he was our Theodore. He was immediately irreplaceable. My concept of my body changed. A body I used to criticize and wish I could trade for another, has become a friend, and finally I can own that it is mine, without shame of it’s weird shapes, squiggles, and cellulite. At that coffee shop, they asked me how I was healing, they asked me what I felt like. I didn't know how to explain it. This body is not familiar, it’s soft, and gushy. Everything felt like it had fallen apart. My hips ached, my back was sore, and just so incredibly unfamiliar. My body works very hard, and it is tired. I have learned since then and become more in tune with it’s rhythms. It’s humanness. It is still soft and perfectly gushy. I've learned to listen to it when it tells me that it's time to be strong and it’s time to rest. It’s times to exercise and it’s times to rejuvenate. I’ve learned the discomforts and the beauty of housing another soul, another body with a heartbeat, another set of kicking legs within. I’ve learned the discomfort and the all consuming wonder and beauty of birth. I’ve learned the discomfort and the beauty of a now empty womb, and the discomfort and beauty of attachment through breastfeeding. And one day soon, I’ll experience the discomfort and beauty of my first born being weened, and my body once again being only mine. My concept of friendship has changed. My close friends have seen me more times than not, with yesterdays clothes, food in my hair, and unable to remember my last shower. They’ve been ok with trading in our cozy local coffee shops with aromas of dark roast coffee blends and options of sweet or savoury muffins, for simply hanging out at our house without all the extras. They’ve understood that when Dan and I invite them over for dinner, most of the time it means we’re eating leftovers, or have ordered in pizza. They’ve been gracious with me as I’ve been emotional, self-centred, and obsessed with my kid as I’ve transitioned to this crazy life. My concept of marriage has changed. Sacrifice. Dan is SUCH a giver. I don’t even know how to say it, he works so hard for our family and I’m So blessed. (* I’ll post a blog about that later, called “For Dan”, ** Also keep posted about a soon to come post which will be an interview with Dan about the challenges and excitements about being a new dad, and his role as a husband changing, if you’ve got questions you’d like him to answer, send them along ) If I were sitting down today, with Hannah, Katie, Sarah, and they asked me how life had changed since motherhood, I'd say, everything is different. And yet everything is the same. To my beautiful friends, if you one day have the joy of welcoming a new person into your life, who you will give so much love, and who takes every last piece of your attention, I hope that as your heart grows to make room for them, that you too feel joy in the familiar places. I hope that in a world where everything seems new and unfamiliar and daunting, that the aroma of coffee reminds you of who you've always been, and takes you back to our coffee dates both out and about and on our worn down couches. I hope the people who love you will spoil you with fresh baked oatmeal and bran muffins for when pooping in your unfamiliar body is scary. I hope you find yourself in the daily routines you used to do, before this new person took so much of your attention. I hope that you remember to journal and take photographs, and do things that remind you of when you were just you, because you are the only you to offer this world, and your little person. You are a wonderful you. I hope that someone will pack you a lunch box of hearty snacks to devour through the night.
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AuthorI'm a farm girl living in the city, a daughter, a sister, a wife and a mother. I love the simple things in life, and love to share them with others. Archives
February 2017
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