January 30 Good morning Birdy, We didn't have a good ultrasound. The ultrasound tech didn't show us anything, which made me feel a pit in my stomach. At 9 weeks we were expecting him to show us something, anything, but he didn't. He didn't show us a "measuring small baby", he didn't show us a heartbeat, there was nothing. Instead, he asked how quickly we would be able to talk to our doctor. Your dad and I knew we'd lost you, but the news sunk in like waves, big brother Theodore being quite the distraction as we left the clinic and settled in at home. Theo has been a real gift to us and I believe he has been very in tune with my grief. He pulls my hand when I'm laying on the couch to come play trains with him, or he simply climbs up to cuddle me, even though I know he'd rather me get on the floor and play with him. That day I texted my girls asking for prayer because I just knew you were no longer with us, but that the worst was yet to come. After dinner I started to get cramps and bleed more. I put Theo to bed and as he urged me to sing again and again the lullabies I'd sung to him since I knew I was pregnant with him, I cried and cried. He stroked my face, the hair around my face, and even sniffled when I sniffled. I thought about you Birdy, and how that might be the last time I'd be singing those songs to you, with you in my body. And Theodore knew. He didn't want it to end, probably mostly on his own toddler terms-not wanting to surrender to the slumber- but I think he somehow sensed the beauty and the profound meaning of the moment. So I kept singing, over and over, "Jesus loves me", "Edelweiss", and "Lullaby my baby", voice shaky, and I held you both close, drinking in my last night as mother of 2. The next morning I got into the shower and played my favourite album right now, Sleeping at Last, Atlas, Year 1. I listened to the song "I'll keep you safe" on repeat, and I just bawled and bawled. I cried in the same way I cried after Theodore was born- postpartum tears- the loss of a piece of myself- the overwhelming feelings of trying to figure out my own identity with the knowledge of my body no longer holding 2 souls but now only 1. It is profoundly lonely, that moment. In the shower, I let the hot water run straight onto my face, tears and water mingling, not knowing which is salty and which is fresh, it feels like the whole shower is crying for me and with me. I held out my hands, the song lyrics pouring over me. " I'll keep you safe, try hard to concentrate. Hold out your hand, can you feel the weight of it? The whole world at your fingertips, don't be, don't be afraid... I promise I'll keep you safe... darkness will be rewritten into a work of fiction, you'll see, as you pull on every ribbon, you'll find every secret it keeps.. you are an artist and your heart is your masterpiece.. and I'll keep it safe." Birdy, you are my little miracle. And there is something you've got to know about me, your mama. I am not strong enough on my own. I needed that moment, that song, those tears, to remind me that I too am a miracle, that I am being held and kept safe in the face of suffering. I loved the line in the song that talks about when darkness is rewritten, "as you pull on every ribbon you'll find every secret it keeps", and I imagine myself standing in heaven, making sense of these heart wrenching moments in life, and pulling on the ribbon and inside of it finding your beautiful soul, and all of the amazing ways that God is going to redeem this. Because he has to. Because he loves, you and me Birdy. xoxo Mama
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Hello friends, as many of you saw my post on social media this weekend, Dan and I lost a pregnancy at 9 weeks last week, and are still in the midst of our grieving, processing, and healing physically, emotionally and spiritually. Since sharing our news, I have been SO blessed an honoured to have so many women I know and love share their own stories with me and I felt a huge burden lifted as I could suddenly KNOW that we are not alone in this grief. Everyone grieves in their own way, and for me, blogging, journalling, and sharing is the best way for me to process. The next series of blog posts will be my raw account of finding healing and processing what has happened to us. 1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss, and I hope that in me sharing our own story, it will help others find healing, comfort, and know that they are not alone. Please feel no pressure to read, but this is both my gift to myself, and maybe a gift to you if you are in a similar place. December 21, 2016. Hello my dear! You exist! You are the size of a poppy seed, and you are my little, lovely person. We just found out about you officially through a test yesterday, but I've known about you since 4 days earlier. Even before a pregnancy test could show up positive, the rest of my body already knew. I had been tired, and experiencing nausea already- which is much sooner than with Theodore- so I've actually wondered if you're twins in there! We haven't told our families yet, but we will in the next 2 weeks and that will make everything more real! Your dad and I were both SO excited that it was true, and last night we got Aunty Katie to babysit your big brother Theodore so Daddy and I could go out for dinner to talk and dream all about you! I am already so excited to meet you and know who you are. I love you more than you can imagine! Love Mama. January 25, 2017
Littlest one, What a journey we've already had with you! Your dad and I told my side of the family on Christmas day with a little ornament that I embroidered with your due date on it. Everyone was so excited for us, and can't wait to meet you. We told grandma, grandpa, aunty Michelle and uncle Jason the following Sunday, New years day, by bringing Theodore over with a shirt that said "#1 big bro". Of course they squeeled too! Then we told our friends at our house over dinner. All of the girls had a sense about it already. Katie even had a little "gift" of ginger candies in a gift bag ready for me. My girls know me well. It's neat to be pregnant at the same time as so many of them. Hannah announced that they're having a girl. Brittany announced that they're having TWINS, a boy and a girl! And Katie is also expecting! About 3 weeks ago I had some bleeding so I went to the doctor, had an ultrasound and 3 bloodwork. The doctors told us that at 6 weeks you were measuring more like 4, and we'd just have to wait and see. Dan commented to me that hearing you were small made you seem like an underdog and he just wanted to cheer you on! He said knowing that little detail about you made him love you so much more. It's the only thing we know about you so far. For about a week and a half it was a roller coaster, we didn't know if you were doing ok in there. I cried many tears and it broke my heart to think of the possibility that we might not meet you on this side of eternity. Then the doctors seemed reassured at increasing HCG levels and the midwife was positive too so we were accepting again that you may be totally healthy and good in there. Ever since the midwife appointment though I've been bleeding and filled with the fear that you are no longer with us, or that we are in the process of losing you. I'm asking God for a miracle tonight. That he will heal the bleeding and take you up to speed in your development, and that we can meet you face to face one day. We love you so much little bean, and we'll see you tomorrow morning in the ultrasound. xoxo Mama. |
AuthorI'm a farm girl living in the city, a daughter, a sister, a wife and a mother. I love the simple things in life, and love to share them with others. Archives
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