Thank you for following along if you've continue reading up to here. Before I keep going, I feel like I need to just tell you that we have felt SO blessed and overwhelmed by our community, and that we feel hopeful for the future. I also wanted to say that up until this point, this is the post that I feel the most vulnerable writing. But yet I think this is the part that the language of loss is maybe missing the most in todays society, and so I press on with openness and vulnerability, hoping that one day if this happens to you or a friend, or someone you love, you know that it is ok to ask questions, and that there is actually healing in the tough questions.
Just moments after I got out of the shower, the healing shower in my last post, hair still up in a towel, I got a call from my midwife. I prepared myself for the confirmation that they saw no heartbeat, or that the baby was measuring too small and wasn't going to make it, but I wasn't prepared for what she said. "Melissa, we took a look at the ultrasound, and it's been confirmed that you have a blighted ovum." ... "Just a sac"... "No baby"... "blah blah blah" other medical talk about how my body would naturally pass this empty sac or I could take medication to "expel" it. "Wait, what? There's no baby? It's empty? This feels like a trick" I cried to the midwife. "It's like a terrible trick" My body, mind soul are pregnant for a child. They have been fully preparing and falling in love with a little being. I've been hormonal, exhausted, nauseous,...pregnant! At this point I actually thought to myself how thankful I was that this was the same midwife that delivered Theodore, so instead of feeling a cold phone call, I felt like I was processing with a friend. What a gift and a bonus blessing that this voice was someone who cared for me and was so familiar. I gushed on to her about how thankful I was, and hoped to get her again in a future pregnancy because this experience made me just appreciate her so much more. "Melissa we will transfer your care now back to your doctor, but please don't hesitate to page me over the weekend if you want to talk more, if you have questions, concerns or absolutely anything! You are strong and you are going to make it through this, and hopefully we will see you again in a few months." We hung up and my mind whirled. When does a soul begin? As a Christian I always thought "at conception", and the night before my sister in law texted me saying "we gain comfort in the thought of Jesus holding your beautiful baby in heaven soon." I couldn't make it through the text without wiping my eyes full of bubbled tears. It was true, that was the most beautiful image. As a woman who is obsessed with birth, training to be doula next week, this earthside birth was just devastating, it was empty, lonely, tragic. The thought of our baby being birthed into heaven, the land of the living- it felt like this birth story being redeemed. But the words "no baby" echoed in my mind. Days went by and I didn't know what to make of this. Some people trying to give comfort saying "It did have a soul since life began, you will see this baby again." Others saying "Hopefully it makes it easier to grieve, knowing that it is just flesh and blood, but no real person." But the truth was that neither of those was enough. I just had to sit with it with God for a bit, to quiet my heart and listen. According to google 50% (!!!!!!) of miscarriages are due to blighted ovum. And some women who have blogged about it say that it made it easier to grieve knowing they weren't losing a "person" in there. Here's the conclusion I've come to, is that grief is COMPLETELY personal, and we each need to be taken on our own journey with it. Everyone is going to take their own time and their own way to think through these things. I'm crazy and started a blog, that's not for everyone. Some people keep it to themselves, others of us put it on Facebook for everyone to see, and ask for their friends to bring them meals, and neither is wrong. Some will take a lot longer to sit with these things, and others will move on to hope for the future much quicker. But we do need each other. We all need each other. We need not be ashamed at the amount of grief we do or do not experience. We need not be ashamed or embarrassed that this happened. We need not feel guilty even though it seems in this moment that our bodies have failed us. We need each other. I know that for me, this circumstance has totally been used by God as a way to draw me closer to Him to ask these questions and to take time to just sit and ask Him to comfort me in my grief. It has been a time of asking deep theological things, which I don't usually do, and coming to the conclusion that whether or not it was a soul and I will see what we believed to be our precious baby in heaven one day, God cares about ALL of life, he cares about every single worry we have, and he wants to redeem and heal our broken hearts. His love for me through this has proved to be more true and strong than I could have imagined. "The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you: He will never leave you or forsake you. Do not be afraid, do not be discouraged." Deuteronomy 31:8 "Even though I walk through the darkest valley I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff they comfort me." Psalm 23:4 "The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble." Psalm 9:9 "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18 "When you pass through deep waters, I will be with you; your troubles will not overwhelm you." Isaiah 43:2 "I consider that what we suffer at this present time cannot be compared at all with the glory that is going to be revealed to us." Romans 8:18. Now to conclude todays post, this is the original reason I reached out on Facebook, was because I wanted to hear from other women how they dealt with their "blighted ovum" miscarriage. I wanted to know how you grieved, how you found comfort, and how you moved on. Did you find space to ask these questions, did you feel like you could take the time to process at your own speed or did you feel pressure to "move on" quickly. Was there a verse or something someone said that brought healing as you thought through it. ONE last thing, Dan thought it would be lovely at our little "funeral " thing that he and I are doing, to donate money to a charity that gives back somehow to mothers who have lost babies either through miscarriage, or infant loss.. I'd love to hear some of the resources you found helpful, or charity's that you've heard of that we could support.
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AuthorI'm a farm girl living in the city, a daughter, a sister, a wife and a mother. I love the simple things in life, and love to share them with others. Archives
February 2017
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